I am good at death… I am not good at failing. Huge distinction there you see. It is like this: when you grow up and go through the things I have you get good at a certain type of life… I should explain that, I openly admit that I put myself through some not so fun things. But I rarely inform people the things that have shaped me that I didn’t choose. Partially because you cannot take responsibility for the things that you did not do. Also because those are the private and shaping events of my life. This is to say I have experienced a great amount of death in my life and I have also had it from a very young age. My family has been dogged by a large amount of tragedy through the years. Tragedy teaches you who you are and who loves you. When thrown into extreme situations you learn about the stress you can handle, the flaws that haunt you and the joy that can come after the rain has stopped falling.
This is all to say that my boyfriend’s mother died this weekend. She has had a long and very arduous battle with cancer. I understand this because I have watched a grandfather die of cancer and I have watched my cousin die of a disease that couldn’t be treated. I am also aware of the emotions that are in the room when these things happen. When the process gets going the event seems so big and seems so overwhelming, because frankly it is. I am what is affectionately known as the distraction in these situations. I can prattle on and on to invade the silence so that you are not just thinking about this horrible thing that you cannot do a thing about. I am good at it and it comes natural to me. This is good because I can also handle it when the prattling becomes just too much and the: “Oh my goodness will you just shut up!” comes. (And it always does).
What does this have to do with failing you ask??? Well the fact of the matter is that I am not the rock. I am not the friend that shows up so that you can cry for 3 hours solid until you are done 6 nights in a row because that is how you are coping with this horribly huge thing that you cannot control. I am the distraction. Huge difference. I can do the crying thing because I am not selfish and I understand that everyone needs a minute to cry it out. I can let anyone do that and I can be serious and quiet as long as you need me to. Here is where my problem comes in: I cannot keep being serious, I need fun and I need laughing. This is how my parents have taught me to live, cope and enjoy life. This is how we deal with tragedy, and this is how we get through it all. Because at the end of the day if you have learned nothing from The Phantom Tollbooth then you were not watching the part when Tock told him to just open the bottle of laughter. I appreciate the need for the anger, the sadness, the tears, the yelling, the throwing, the quiet and for the numb. I honestly do, but when you have spent as much time as I have going through crap you find you attract other people who have also gone through some stuff. Which means you rarely run into someone who hasn’t lost someone before.
My boyfriend has never lost someone before. I am finding that whereas I know he is feeling a whole heck of a lot right now I don’t know what I am supposed to do to help. I can prattle on and that is cool but every time he sees me he more or less just falls asleep. So I let him sleep. We aren’t talking. I know I am somewhat closed because he did pick a fight and it hurt my feelings, but I need to move on and I need to snap out of it. It isn’t about me right now, and frankly it isn’t even about us. It is about him, and maybe I am selfish enough to think it would be nice if it was about us sometimes… but it can’t be right now. I am failing to keep that in the front of my mind all of the time. Sometimes I am so keenly aware of what he needs I know it by instinct, but most of the time right now I have no idea and I am stumbling blind. Feeling like a huge lame failure with no knowledge of what to do next, and when you are someone who has seen tragedy happen a lot not knowing how to help someone deal with it is a level of failure I was not expecting…
So for now I am letting him keep me separate, and responding when he talks even if it is awkward and hard, and we clearly don’t know what to say to each other. I will keep letting him fall asleep and be away when he wants to be. Because what else can I do but to keep moving forward, laugh a little, and put one foot in front of the other?
